In such cases additional help through therapy or mediation may be beneficial.It is also worth remembering that dealing with an affair can take time, not least to find ways to communicate and rebuild trust.A few years ago I got friendly with a woman online.It was flirting, just sexy chat but it never became physical.Together or individually you may want to use the following resources to reflect on your relationship and find more effective ways to communicate: Meg Barker’s book Rewriting the Rules (particularly Chapters 6-9) The Couple Connection has forums, resources and a helpline (free) you may want to use individually or together.This may be particularly useful if you are unable to afford therapy or need some assistance in preparing to speak to a therapist about what happened.
People can get stuck in situations where they deny problems exist or refuse to forgive a partner.
You knew this was a secret non-monogamous relationship.
In your longer letter, you go on to say ‘it never became sexual’, ‘it didn’t mean anything’, ‘I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t even do’ and that your wife ‘accused’ you of ‘having an affair’.
There’s a contradiction here between what happened – something that was intimate and sexual, that you ended in favour of your marriage.
Contrasted with your interpretations of events of being meaningless, not an affair, something you didn’t do and something you’re being unreasonably ‘punished’ for. Is it that the online relationship really didn’t mean anything to you, or was it the case that it was meaningful but you are now seeking to downplay its importance? Do you believe this doesn’t count as an affair because you didn’t have a physical sexual relationship?