Andy Stanley, pastor of the 30,000 member North Point Ministries, addresses a range of issues from human sexuality to pornography in his latest book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating.While the broader culture continues to fight over what “sexual morality” means, one thing is certain: Andy Stanley is determined not to sit this one out.“Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for? Best of all, he offers the most practical and uncensored advice you will ever hear on this topic. Looking for the right person is a great idea as long as you don't assume that finding the right person ensures everything will be all right. Not a single male reading this book will underline that statement. Which means if you're sexually involved with someone right now, the next time the two of you are in the middle of lovemaking, look each other in the eye and say, "You are one of a million! But sexual compatibility is not the litmus test for relational compatibility. Losing interest in sex with someone is always a manifestation of something else. My hunch is the root of your previous relational challenges was ... Chances are you would have addressed the relational challenges more quickly if you hadn't been physically involved. Thinking that if you met the "right person" everything would turn out "right"? In The New Rules For Love, Sex & Dating, Andy Stanley explores the challenges, assumptions, and land mines associated with dating in the twenty-first century. If a couple shares a passion for the same foods, music, and sports teams, it makes sense they need to find out if that passion extends to the bedroom. But for the most part, that doesn't stop us, which brings us to our first "doesn't everybody know that? This is where I state the obvious, with a preposition at the end. You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with. Losing interest in sex with someone isn't the same as being sexually incompatible.Both parties begin looking for ways to return things to their former state. After all, that's what fueled things in the beginning. The pastor of one America’s largest churches is peeling back the covers on topics that might make some Christians squirm.As I mentioned earlier, falling in love requires only a pulse. When a couple ignores more, they have relationship problems. Because in the beginning they ignored all of that silly relationship stuff. That was for other people, people who weren't in love like they were in love. The way we figure it, we didn't need any outside help in the beginning, so why would we need it now? While 15 percent of married couples divorce within three years of the birth of their first child, the percentage of unmarried couples who separate after the birth of a child is closer to 40 percent. But men aren't the only ones who start looking elsewhere when things aren't going well. I say "hopefully" because every hardcore B' and B'ette fan scans the Internet for weeks following that final episode to see who was right after all. I realize that you realize movies, reality Tv, and novels don't reflect real life. In the end it comes down to two things (actually maybe one thing, but for the sake of clarity I'll keep them separate): chemistry and attraction. But I doubt there are too many fifteen-year-olds reading this. romance overpowers objectivity, which will work to your advantage in marriage.But, over time, the connection that was once so effortless and passionate, so sexually charged, begins to fade. We didn't need a counselor to help us fall in love. As the right person approach starts unraveling, everybody is open to a new right person. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site. But in the end, regardless of how many potential right candidates there are, one and only one is chosen. As of the writing of this book, it appears that five contestants chose well. I assume you don't take your relationship cues from script writers and authors. While most everybody has a mental list of what makes the right person the right person, most people abandon their lists for physical attraction and chemistry. While instant chemistry is common, instant chemistry that dovetails into an instantly healthy relationship with until-death-do-us-part potential is not. But before marriage, a lack of objectivity is dangerous.
The chemistry that fueled the right person mystique ebbs. (Continues...) Excerpted from The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating by Andy Stanley. We're usually able to spot 'em three or four scenes into a movie or a half-dozen chapters into a novel. That assumption being: there's a right person for you, and once you find your right person, everything will be all right. The myth isn't, There's a right person for you out there somewhere. The myth is that once you find the right person, everything will be all right. Every man and woman who have navigated the pain and complexity of divorce stood in front of a preacher, priest, or justice of the peace and made vows to the right person. But eventually they discovered something wrong with Mr. When it feels right, it's easy to assume it is right. This explains why we've heard people say, "The first time we met, I knew we would be together." Somehow they just knew. Men and women exaggerate the good and turn a blind eye to the things that would normally give them pause. You will be sexually compatible with the right person. To test the potential possibility of a long-term relationship via sex is a bit like choosing a university because it looks like a university. If you allow attraction and chemistry to sweep you immediately into sexual involvement, you will most likely confuse sexual compatibility for something it isn't. The fact that you can't keep your hands off of her ...Focalism, along with a short list of other cognitive biases, has the potential to trick us into making bad decisions. Perhaps it's why you capitulated and bought a book about something you always assumed you could figure out on your own. Not least of which is that one of the most morally vulnerable times in the life of a man is when his wife or girlfriend is pregnant.That potential increases dramatically in emotionally charged environments. If that's the case, bear with me as I address my readers who have yet to find themselves in a relationship that promised much but delivered little. Dumb Married Tricks As attraction and chemistry wane, it's not uncommon for somebody to suggest having a baby. If you've never been married, you're thinking, Why would anyone bring a baby into a relationship that's already on life support? If you're married, or were married, you may be wondering why you didn't ask yourself that very question. This is true in healthy relationships, but the temptation is compounded when things aren't going well. Children should be a welcomed addition to a healthy family unit.Communicator, author, and pastor Andy Stanley founded Atlanta-based North Point Ministries in 1995. As I mentioned in the introduction, more is what this book is all about. On a personal note, it's why I love going home at the end of the day. Attraction Matters Before we explore more, let's think together for just a paragraph or two about what makes a right person a right person. Online dating services wouldn't work if people didn't have lists. Since the title of this book promises SEX, I thought we should introduce the topic in this first chapter. as long as you promise to come back and read the first seven chapters. I'm sexually compatible with a million other people. I know, sounds like something your momma would say.Today, NPM consists of six churches in the Atlanta area and a network of more than 50 churches around the globe that collectively serve nearly 90,000 people weekly. Problem is, we don't hear much about the more side of the relational equation. There are a number of factors, among them beauty, talent, confidence, intelligence, depth, wit, family, wealth, weight, height, career, and personality. But at the end of the day, our lists are not the deciding factors, are they? But as I'm fond of saying, falling in love is easy; it requires a pulse. When a relationship feels right, it's a powerful thing. It's no wonder that the righter a relationship feels, the quicker we are tempted to take things further. Not only is sex not the litmus test for relational compatibility, it actually inhibits and distracts from relational development. Because sex has the capacity to camouflage an endless list of relational deficiencies and dysfunctions.